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When a romantic encounter ignites the flames of passion, when the urge to shop swells with a flick of the finger, and when the red notifications on social media become an irresistible allure—behind it all lies a neurochemical key called "dopamine." It is both the magician of love, making the thrill of a first encounter burst like fireworks, and the invisible hand in modern society, pushing humanity into an endless cycle of desire. Passionate love typically lasts only 12 to 18 months on average. The brief dopamine-fueled frenzy will eventually fade, and the secret to maintaining a long-term relationship lies in the calm contentment of "here and now."

The duality of this chemical not only tears apart the reality and illusion of love but also reflects the anxiety of the entire era—from the quick-fix bubbles created by dating apps to the consumption traps precisely set by algorithms. Humanity now stands at the crossroads between the dopamine-driven frenzy and inner peace.

What's even more thought-provoking is that as artificial intelligence starts to play the role of the "perfect partner" and technology promises to replace interpersonal friction with infinite compliance, are we burying the most precious part of our humanity with our own hands? The endless praise and compromise of AI let us indulge in the cheap pleasure of dopamine. Will it make us lose the ability to build deep bonds in the face of contradictions? Meanwhile, the business machine is turning this neural mechanism into a profit engine: social media creates comparison anxiety, and shopping platforms stimulate instant gratification. All these designs are quietly reshaping the way we perceive happiness. A crucial question to ask is: in this era, can we break free from the trap of continuous dopamine stimulation and redefine the meaning of our own lives?

Recently, the Edu Guide had a conversation with Daniel Z. Lieberman, a psychiatrist and the author of The Molecule of More: How a Single Chemical in Your Brain Drives Love, Sex, and Creativity - and Will Determine the Fate of the Human Race. They discussed the above topics, the role of dopamine in our lives, and how it affects people's love and desires. With an unprecedented abundance of social and material choices, why do they instead bring negative outcomes? In an era where technology and AI are ubiquitous, how is the effect of dopamine applied and how does it change our perception and judgment of love and life? As ordinary people, how can we break free from the domination of dopamine and make more meaningful choices that align with our values?

The following is the full text of the conversation with the Edu Guide (with some omissions):

Desires Driven by Dopamine: Anticipation, Excitement, and Stimulation

Edu Guide: When people meet, they may find some individuals attractive and even fall in love with them. What happens in our brains during this process? What role does dopamine play here?

Daniel: We humans have many different kinds of love. When people meet someone and fall in love, sometimes we call it romantic love, and dopamine plays an important role in it. Dopamine is activated when we anticipate that the future will be better than the present. It brings us all kinds of wonderful feelings of excitement. That's what happens when you fall in love. Dopamine is at the beginning stage of falling in love.

Edu Guide: Why do some people trigger our dopamine secretion while others don't?

Daniel: That's a great question, and I really don't think we know the answer. We may find some people physically attractive, or we may think they're interesting, or we may admire them because they're leaders in some way. These are all surface reasons, the reasons why we're initially attracted to someone.

But I think when it comes to falling in love with someone, it goes deeper than these surface reasons. As a psychiatrist, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the subconscious, the activities that happen in our brains that we're not aware of. A lot goes on beneath the surface. Unconscious attractions can make us fall in love, which explains why sometimes people fall in love with those they know are bad for them. They get into a lot of trouble. They're always arguing. But they can't help but fall in love. I think that's the influence of the subconscious on love.

Edu Guide: So do you think the subconscious is the deeper reason for people to fall in love?

Daniel: That's not entirely accurate. I think both the conscious and the subconscious can trigger dopamine. Maybe the subconscious is more likely to trigger it because sometimes we find ourselves really excited about something, but we're not quite sure why. Maybe from a conscious perspective, they seem a bit ordinary. But we'd say, "I don't care. I'm really excited about this." So I think dopamine is a tool for anticipating excitement. It's one of the various agents our brains use to look forward to these exciting things happening.

Edu Guide: Anticipation and certain unusual things excite us because they're not common in daily life. Can we use this reason to explain all our desires in daily life?

Daniel: I think we can use it to describe about half of the things we want. Sometimes we want new, exciting things we've never seen before. But at other times, we want familiar things. We want things that make us feel safe and at ease. If you're going to a restaurant, sometimes you'll want to go to a place you've never been to because it's exciting. But sometimes you'll want to go to your favorite restaurant from before because it's relaxing.

When you want to go to your favorite old restaurant or when you want familiar things, that's not dopamine. It's another set of brain chemicals. In the book, we call them the "here and now" chemicals. They bring us pleasure just like dopamine, but it's a different kind of pleasure. Dopamine is a pleasure of excitement and anticipation. The "here and now" chemicals bring more of a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. It's not about things getting better, but rather us saying, "Wow, I feel great and satisfied right now."

Edu Guide: Which factor is more important?

Daniel: I think it depends on the person, the goal, and to some extent, the culture. The United States is a very dopamine-driven country. We're always trying to innovate, always saying "more and more." We love to consume, and we love the latest and shiniest things. So I think we have a very dopamine-driven culture. I think China is the same. China's growth rate has exceeded that of the United States, and there's a sense that the future will be great. Let's see what we can invent.

But traditionally, I think Eastern cultures focus more on the present, on the here and now. If you look at Buddhism or Zen, it's actually the opposite. It's more about pushing aside desires and trying to find satisfaction with as little as possible.

So now in the United States, there's a movement that believes constantly having high levels of dopamine is unhealthy. Many people are meditating, taking walks, and trying to regularly experience the here and now. They find that not only does it make them happier and more emotionally stable, but it also makes their dopamine systems work better when needed because they're preventing dopamine from being constantly present.

Why Does Intense Love Fade Away?

Edu Guide: Why does most intense love fade away after one or two years? What's the relationship between dopamine and this?

Daniel: That passionate stage of love, the feeling of being in love, some people say it's the most wonderful thing humans can experience, that passionate love. But it doesn't last long.

On average, it lasts from one to 18 months and then fades away. That's the nature of dopamine.

Whenever we stimulate dopamine, it fades away much faster than we think. If you buy a new coat at first, you'll be very excited. Then how long does it take for you to stop caring about the coat? Maybe a week.

So for intense love to last 12 to 18 months is actually quite good. But the problem is that when people fall in love, they feel it will last forever. So when it fades away, it's very disappointing. Some people misunderstand this. They say, "Oh, this must mean this isn't the right person for me. Maybe I need to find someone else." Or they might say, "Maybe it's the right person, but it's not fun anymore because the love has faded, the passionate love has gone." So I'll find someone else so I can start that exciting journey all over again.

Neither of these choices will bring happiness because it will just go from one to another. It will never allow people to build long-term intimate relationships. What we need to do is transition to a different kind of love, using the "here and now" chemicals. This is usually called companionate love. That's the love that exists when you love your partner and their friends. It's a deep sense of satisfaction, intertwining another person's life with your own, being with someone you know you can always rely on and who will always support you. It doesn't have the excitement and stimulation of dopamine-driven love, but some people might think it's even better.

Edu Guide: Does everyone have the ability to build this kind of companionate love relationship with others?

Daniel: I don't know the answer to this question. As a psychiatrist, I've worked with patients who struggle with this. I had a patient who had many relationships but quickly lost interest. One thing he did was fall in love with a woman. He quickly married her before losing his love for her. He thought that would solve the problem. But it didn't. They divorced a few months later. So I'd like to believe that everyone has the ability to be a loving partner, but it's hard to say.

Edu Guide: If some people are so dominated by dopamine, then when their anticipation for a person fades, their love will also end.

Daniel: I'd say be careful with the word "love." I think we should use the term "passionate love" because actually, the kind of love that comes later is companionate love. It's just as strong as, or even stronger than, passionate love. It's so long-lasting and powerful. But if we're talking about passionate love, I think you're right. That's accurate.

Endless Choices Bring Negative Results Instead

Edu Guide: A question related to modern society is that people use dating apps, date more and more people, and change their partners faster than ever before. Long-term relationships seem to be becoming fewer and fewer. How do you view this phenomenon?

Daniel: When I was dating, we didn't have those apps. When I first became aware of them, I was really envious of young people because it seemed so wonderful. You have so many choices, just like shopping on Amazon, but they're not that great.

I'm currently working with a patient, a young woman in her 30s who really wants to find a partner and get married. So she put her profile on a dating app. To her delight, dozens of men showed interest in her. She started swiping through, looking for the ones she thought were good. She quickly found that her standards were changing. "Oh, this one isn't perfect. This one has some minor flaws." By the time she got to the point where she wasn't interested in each individual man anymore, she was only interested in the numbers. How many men have matched with me? Is it 18 today? Is it 23? She realized that increasing that number didn't help her at all.

So I think the problem with these dating apps is that they're not designed to help you find happiness. They're designed to make money for their companies. These two goals aren't always aligned. So I think people will eventually realize that these apps aren't a good way to find a life partner. Maybe we'll see it evolve into an AI scenario where it can understand us on a more complex level than just a profile. Then, instead of giving us 40 people who like our profile, maybe it will give us three people it thinks will be a good match on a deeper level. Maybe that will work.

Difficult Human Interactions and the "Perfect Partner" AI Robot

Edu Guide: People are starting to talk about being a bit in love with AI robots because they talk to them every day. The AI robots know everything about them.

Daniel: Personally, I'm not very fond of today's AI personalities. I find them a bit annoying, but that will change. Currently, when companies make products, they think a lot about design. Design is usually aimed at attracting people. I think in a few years, when AI is everywhere, it won't just be about the product design but also the product's personality. Companies will compete to infuse AI with more and more attractive personalities. As you said, for many people, interacting with AI is more interesting and satisfying than interacting with another human. This will cause some problems.

Edu Guide: What kind of problems?

Daniel: I don't want to be too pessimistic, but this could mean the end of humanity because getting into a relationship that results in having children is very difficult. Adapting your life to another person's can be very painful. Only through such adaptation can two different people live together for decades and raise a child. Even when people find someone compatible with them these days, in many cases, they choose not to have children—simply because it requires too much effort and expense. So I'm worried that relationships with AI will be too easy. AI won't ask us to make sacrifices or compromises to fit its preferences. We'll all be like kings and queens, and AI will always strive to meet our needs. I'm afraid it will be so attractive and alluring that people will stop having close relationships with other humans.

Edu Guide: Is AI more capable of having a deeper companionate relationship with humans than humans themselves?

Daniel: I think so. Many people say there are things about humans that AI can never replicate. I don't believe that's true. I think as AI becomes more and more complex, it will deceive us, just like a magician deceives us. You know, when you go to a magic show, you'll see things that seem absolutely impossible, but they're not. They're tricks. The sad fact is that magic works because the human brain is easily deceived. So AI will also deceive the human brain. I think unless what we want in a relationship is the challenge and difficulty, we won't find anything that AI is inferior to humans in.

Edu Guide: Will the process of interacting with AI change the dopamine system in our brains?

Daniel: I think it might. I think AI will satisfy us more frequently and easily than other people. For example, if I do something, like treating a difficult patient and the patient recovers, I'll be very excited about it. I tell my wife about it, but she's busy and worried. She'll respond with, "Oh, that's nice. Please go away." I won't get any dopamine from that. This kind of thing happens sometimes. But AI will always say exactly the right thing. It will say, "Oh, that's amazing. You're the best doctor in the world." So I think just like with online videos, we'll always be slightly affected by dopamine, and it will make us addicted. I'm afraid the same thing will happen with AI. It will constantly trigger our dopamine, and we'll become addicted to it.

Edu Guide: We have humans and AI now. Why do people still feel lonely? Is it a lack of dopamine?

Daniel: No. There are two types of human relationships. One type is called an agentic relationship, which usually occurs when humans work together to achieve a goal. For example, in a relationship between colleagues, people are working together to achieve a goal. That's the work of dopamine. People are trying to make the future better, and it's flexible. Sometimes you also have that kind of relationship with your friends. If you say to your friend, "Hey, where shall we go for dinner tonight?" You're in an agentic relationship, trying to figure out which restaurant is the best.

But there's also an affiliative relationship, which is just being with another person for the pleasure of it. So then you're just hanging out with your friends. Sometimes you also build this kind of relationship with people at work. You're not always working on the project. Sometimes you'll say, "Hey, how was your weekend?" Then you have an affiliative relationship.

So the agentic aspect of a relationship is related to dopamine, but the affiliative relationship is related to a chemical called oxytocin. It guides us to build relationships and gives us a warm, affectionate feeling. It's sometimes called the "cuddle hormone," for the moments of hugging, relaxing, and being together.

Edu Guide: But now people still try to spend a lot of time, even more time than ever before, working instead of relaxing.

Daniel: That's true. I think one of the problems is that in our economy, there are the top performers, the average performers, and the bottom performers, and the rewards are disproportionately distributed to the small group at the top. We call it the "winner-takes-most" situation. So if you look at a company, the top executives earn hundreds of times more than the bottom employees.

In the past in the United States, a man could work in a factory, own a house, support a non-working wife, and raise two, three, or four children. But can you live a good life with an ordinary job today? Not really. Today, most couples are working, and the only people who really get rich and have a good life are the top few percent. So I think this economic situation undermines people's ideas of building a balanced life of work, family, and hobbies. If you're not in that small top group, nowadays people usually just have work.

The Persistent Sense of Dissatisfaction Created by the Commercial Society

Edu Guide: I once talked to a philosopher, and he had another explanation. He said that now, most people actually have a good enough life. But when compared with those who have the most and are the richest, it creates an illusion that they're not satisfied with their own lives. But in fact, they're already good enough.

Daniel: I think that's a great point. Our happiness from material wealth comes from comparing with others. So today, people living in poverty have more material wealth than kings and queens 100 or 200 years ago. They have refrigerators, TVs, and mobile phones, but they don't feel richer than kings and queens. The reason is the comparison with others. When you go on social media, you'll see people staying in five-star hotels, driving cars worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, and all those luxurious things. This is very popular on social media, and it's bad. I think it makes us feel dissatisfied. People like to look at this kind of content. I don't know why. But it will make you feel depressed about your own life. Because your own life is real, not fake. Therefore, it's also imperfect. But strangely enough, humans often do things that make them feel depressed.

Edu Guide: Perhaps the answer has something to do with the novelty in your book, because they've never seen these things before.

Daniel: It's possible. Biologically speaking, the structure of our brains is the result of evolution. This is actually about the survival needs of our evolutionary ancestors in very difficult circumstances, when people were always at risk of starvation or being killed by wild animals. But this brain structure doesn't necessarily work well in our modern culture.

Edu Guide: Why?

Daniel: That's because we no longer live on the brink of starvation. Our main concern isn't just survival, and the whole point of evolution is about trying to create an organism that can survive and reproduce.

So now, obesity, getting too fat, is a bigger problem than starvation. We have a lot of things to buy, and our brains just say they want more. Because when our brains were evolving, they always wanted to collect as much food as possible, considering that there might be a blizzard tomorrow and all the food would be covered, and you'd starve. So our brains tell us to pursue more to survive. But when there are so many choices and so much consumption around us, it's no longer healthy. It no longer brings happiness.

Edu Guide: Do commercial companies use any methods to drive people's dopamine, even when people aren't hungry?

Daniel: I think the main goal of marketing is to drive dopamine. It's kind of sad in a way, because dopamine is about wanting more things. That means you must be dissatisfied with what you have now. So the purpose of marketing is to make people feel dissatisfied and unhappy. They try to implant the idea that if you buy our product, you can solve the problem. So it always tells you what you don't have, what you need, and that what others have is better than what you have. So marketing is about dopamine, and it doesn't help us become happier and healthier.

Edu Guide: How can we be more aware of this?

Daniel: Dopamine feels good. Eating a piece of chocolate feels better than eating a carrot, right? But we know carrots are better for us. I think it's the same with what we consume with our brains. We can quickly get happiness by going online and watching short videos. We can quickly get happiness by shopping and buying new things, but maybe we don't really need them. I think we have to say, I'm not going to do this all the time. Sometimes I'll do it, just like sometimes I'll eat chocolate as a special treat, but most of the time I'll eat carrots because that's good for me. So I think we have to turn off the computer, put down the phone, and pick up a book.

You know, when we read novels about others, books are good for our brains. They make us kinder, because when you read a novel, you think from the perspective of the protagonist. It makes you better at sympathizing with others and seeing things from their perspective. So we need to read books and also spend time having real conversations with real people. We won't get the same dopamine from that, right? If you ask me, what do you prefer to do, read a book or watch some videos? I'll say I'd rather watch videos, but I'll also force myself to read the book because it's healthy, just like I force myself to exercise and eat a healthy diet.

Edu Guide: If you can force yourself to do something, it means you're self - disciplined and good at controlling yourself. But now, many people can't do it. They may quickly enjoy a lot of short, fast, and exciting videos on social media.

Daniel: Self - discipline and willpower are actually very weak tools. They're not very effective in changing behavior. So it's better to be smart than to rely on willpower.

If you want to change your habits, don't try to change them overnight. Try to do a little bit at a time. For example, you might say, okay, I'm going to go on social media and watch videos because I like it. But for 15 minutes every day, I'll read a book. Just 15 minutes, right? It's not too big a sacrifice. I can still spend a lot of time on social media, and then it becomes a habit.

Once something becomes a habit, it no longer requires willpower. So like most people, I brush my teeth every day now. But when I was a kid, my parents had to yell at me and force me to brush my teeth every day. It was a terrible struggle. Now it's not. Now it doesn't take any effort at all because it's a habit.

So I think what we have to do is try to move towards habits instead of relying on self - discipline and willpower. The way we do this is that we start by trying to do it, which only requires a little willpower. Then we expand. Maybe over the course of three months, reading for 15 minutes a day doesn't require much willpower. Slowly, with as little willpower as possible, I build up a good state.

Reflect and identify a life that aligns with your values

Edu Guide: Which one belongs to a high - dopamine personality, enjoying the present or trying to pursue the future?

Daniel: A person who always tries to pursue the future. People with high dopamine levels don't all look the same. They can look very different. For example, you can have what we call a workaholic. All they do is work. They work long hours and then go home and ignore their families because they're working at home. That's one type.

There are other types. You can have a hedonist. People who are addicted to drugs and alcohol are driven by dopamine. Drugs and alcohol stimulate the dopamine system, which is why people can't stop using them.

But they can also look like artists. We've all heard about those artists who are so obsessed with art. To create something beautiful, they can go without eating, without taking a bath, and sometimes even without sleeping. They just stay in the studio obsessively creating their artworks. Sometimes inventors are like this too. They're so obsessed with creating new things, their inventions, that nothing else matters. So I think it's important to realize that having very high levels of dopamine can manifest in very different ways.

Edu Guide: If people are so obsessed with something, do you think it's a good choice for their own lives?

Daniel: I don't think I can judge for others. Let's take the example of an artist who is obsessed with their work. If you look at the lives of great artists, very few of them are happy. Most of them are in pain. But if you go into their studio and say, I have a proposal for you. Keep painting and you'll be unhappy. Put down the brush and I can guarantee you'll be happy. What do you think the artist will do? They'll choose the pain.

We used to think that the goal of life was happiness, and everything we do in life is to achieve happiness. That may not be true.

What we really strive for are the things that are important to us. People will sacrifice their happiness for something that's very important to them. For example, parents always sacrifice their own happiness for their children. If you strongly believe in a cause, you'll give up your weekend relaxation time to work to achieve that cause. So I think the artist will say that happiness is good, but my art is more important. In many cases, they're not happy, but it's a voluntary choice. They have to make that choice. We don't have the right to say they're right or wrong. We can only choose for ourselves.

Edu Guide: From an ordinary person's perspective, which choices do you think are better?

Daniel: I think meaning is important for everyone. For an artist, if you ask them what the most important thing in their life is, they'll say painting. But for ordinary people, it may not be that easy. Maybe people have a lot of important things, such as their family, being a kind person, their work, playing good golf, etc.

So I think it's very important to take time to reflect on your own values. What's important to me? Do the choices I make in life reflect my values? Or do I make choices in life because I'm controlled by social media or corporate marketing? Or maybe I'm making choices that I think others will approve of, but that don't necessarily align with my values.

Edu Guide: Sometimes people feel that life lacks meaning. They think that there may be nothing really important in life. Can this explain why there are so many cases of depression and anxiety now?

Daniel: I think many of us have gone through periods in our lives when nothing feels important and nothing feels meaningful. I know I've gone through such periods, and it's terrible. It's definitely awful. It's worse than physical pain. I think in many cases, this is the result of mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety. The good news is that these diseases are treatable. We have very good treatment methods. If someone feels that their life is meaningless, it's a terrible state. As a doctor, I'd say it's time to see a doctor because you're very likely sick, and they can help you recover.

Edu Guide: In what life stages or life situations are people more likely to feel a lack of meaning?

Daniel: I think it has more to do with what's inside the brain than what's outside. So I can tell you how to make your life feel meaningless. Sleep in every morning, spend most of the day in bed, and do nothing but access social media. Don't eat any healthy food. Just eat junk food. If you do this for a week, your life will feel meaningless.

So I think you can find meaning anywhere. This focus on meaning is related to a book written by Viktor Frankl called "Man's Search for Meaning." He was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. He talked about how people found meaning there, you know, one of the most terrible environments. So I think it's not about the environment, but about the health of your brain.

Edu Guide: You've talked a lot about some unhealthy lifestyles. Just as we mentioned before, commercial companies use many methods to stimulate people's unhealthy behaviors, such as spending a lot of time on social media platforms. In this case, how can we better control ourselves?

Daniel: Companies do this because that's where the money is. So I wonder if it's possible to create an economy where companies make money by helping people live healthy lives instead of unhealthy ones. I don't know the answer, but maybe there are economists and business leaders who can figure this out. Is it possible to link profits with enhancing people's health rather than damaging it?

Meanwhile, I think consumers, ordinary people, need to realize that these companies give us wonderful things, such as refrigerators, computers, medical supplies, wonderful things. But in some ways, we have to be careful. It's like alcohol. It's okay to drink a little, but if you drink a lot, it can be fatal. So we can enjoy the dopamine these companies provide, but we need to realize that they're dangerous. We need to be vigilant and pay attention.

Does eating these chips help my life? Occasionally, I'll eat some chips as a special case. Or does eating these chips make me unhealthy? I'm eating chips every day and I don't feel well. We need to pay attention to the choices we're making. Are they good choices?