Willa Mag

 

In recent years, attachment styles have become increasingly well - known to more people and gradually become a new perspective for everyone to understand intimate relationships. "No wonder we're always in a chase - and - flee dynamic in the relationship, one being anxious and the other avoidant." Many people's so - called "playboys/playgirls" may just have insecure attachments.

Meanwhile, "secure lovers" have become the highly - desired ideal partners.

They have the ability to rely on others while remaining independent, and can approach or distance themselves from others as needed. They can even create a buffering effect, helping non - secure partners to some extent improve their relationship satisfaction and move towards a more secure attachment.

However, many people are confused: "I've only heard of them but never seen one. How can I identify a secure lover?" "What exactly does'secure' mean?" "I'm a bit anxious and want to develop into a secure type. What should I do?"

In today's article, we'll talk about seven common characteristics of secure attachment.

I. The most prominent characteristic: Stable state in the relationship

Compared with insecure attachment styles (both anxious and avoidant attachments can be considered insecure), the most prominent characteristic of secure attachment is "stable state":

They won't suddenly disappear, be erratic in their closeness, and are less likely to become overly clingy. They can accept that relationships have elasticity, and neither excessive closeness nor excessive distance easily triggers their "alarm".

They are also less likely to accept their partner's "projections" - when their partner attacks or blames them, they are less likely to be drawn into such evaluations and escalate relationship conflicts. It's like when there's a "storm" in their partner's world, they still stand there like a tree and won't be easily destroyed.

Behind this is their relatively sufficient sense of security, both about the relationship and themselves. Benedek (1938) called it a "confident relationship", Klein (1948) called it the "introjection of good objects", and Erikson (1950) called it "basic trust".

Therefore, the security of attachment is often directly related to a person's mental health.

II. Able to provide "good enough" emotional support

Many people criticize insecurely - attached individuals for their inability to provide good emotional support - when needed, they may run away or break down first.

However, secure attachment doesn't mean they are perfect partners who can meet all your needs 100%. In fact, they can provide "good enough" emotional support.

The concept of "Good Enough" originally came from Winnicott. It means that caregivers don't need to be perfect; a 60 - point score can raise a basically secure and healthy child.

Specifically in an intimate relationship, "good enough" emotional support may mean:

Reliability, safety, and consistency (similar to the "stability" mentioned above);

Being sensitive enough to the partner's needs and willing to meet them (instead of turning a blind eye);

Being able to talk about each other's needs; for the parts that can't be met, both sides can communicate.

The basis for developing secure attachment is usually having a "good enough" caregiver in childhood. Many studies have found that adults' secure attachment is affected by their relationship with caregivers in childhood (Brennan et al, 1998). They were treated well in the past and can now love others well.

III. Partners are not the only source of intimacy and emotion

"Partners can't meet all our needs." Secure lovers are well aware of this, so they usually have healthy interpersonal support outside the relationship and don't regard their partners as the only source of intimacy and emotion.

As a result, their partners won't be under too much pressure. "They need you, but not overly so."

In fact, this also makes the quality of the intimate relationship better: Research has found that when people have "significant others", they actually have more opportunities for self - expansion, injecting novelty and vitality into the relationship and promoting long - term satisfaction (Tsapelas, 2009).

Conversely, when a partner is the only source of intimacy and emotion for one person, the relationship becomes fragile. They may not be able to withstand any fluctuations in the relationship, and when the relationship ends, the blow is devastating. "You're the only important person in the world to them" is not a sweet declaration of love but may be a dangerous signal.

IV. Able to act as a "container" to regulate the emotions of partners and themselves

Emotional regulation ability is also a very prominent characteristic of secure lovers. They can handle their own emotions well and also act as a "container" to provide emotional regulation for their partners.

For example:

They are very sensitive to their own and their partners' emotions. Partners don't need to escalate their emotions, such as getting angry or having a cold war, to get their attention;

They can help their partners validate their emotions and accept their partners' emotions;

They don't think negative emotions are bad but regard them as opportunities for intimacy;

They can better understand negative emotions and will try to solve emotional problems with their partners.

Conversely, they also expect their partners to help regulate their own emotions, so they will express their emotions when they have them and won't vent their emotions in a destructive way.

Where does this ability come from? Emotional regulation is not an individual matter. It is formed in relationships and often requires interaction with another person. In childhood, through the validation, affirmation, and participation of parents, we gradually understand our own emotions and learn to handle them (For further reading: What is "emotional education").

If people haven't had such a "container", they will encounter some difficulties in emotional regulation and it will be hard for them to become a "container" for others.

V. Able to let their partners go calmly

There is a concept called "secure base" in attachment style theory. You can imagine this scene:

After a child learns to walk, the mother stays in one place. There are toys not far away. The child will walk over and look back at the mother from time to time to confirm that the mother is there. Then the child will feel at ease. When the child knows that the mother is nearby and will appear when needed, the child can explore the new world with confidence.

At this time, the mother is a "secure base" for the child.

Similarly, in an intimate relationship after growing up, a partner will also become a new "secure base". For secure lovers, they can trust the existence of the secure base, so it's easy for them to leave their partners to do their own things without constantly looking back to confirm. Similarly, they aren't worried when their partners go out because they know their partners will come back. So they also strongly encourage and welcome their partners to explore their own world.

Sometimes they snuggle up to each other to feel intimacy; sometimes they are independent and free to play. A good relationship can actually make people more powerful to break away from it.

If the "secure base" is unreliable, it's hard for people to leave. Just like in the above scenario, if the mother is gone when the child looks back, the child will start crying and looking for the mother, and the attractive toys can hardly draw the child's attention.

VI. Having flexible boundaries: Neither rigid nor loose

Boundaries are an important part of any relationship and the foundation of self - care. However, due to the excessive closeness of emotions and life, many people don't know how to handle boundaries in an intimate relationship.

Let's take a look at three common types of boundaries, which also correspond to different attachment styles respectively:

1. Loose boundaries, commonly seen in anxious lovers

Over - sharing;

Excessive mutual dependence and emotional entanglement (lack of emotional separation from others);

Difficulty saying "no"; pleasing others;

Being at a loss when rejected;

Easily accepting abuse.

2. Rigid boundaries, commonly seen in avoidant lovers

Rarely sharing;

Difficulty exposing their own vulnerability and expressing needs;

Having high expectations of others;

Easily shutting others out, as if building a wall in their hearts.

3. Healthy boundaries, commonly seen in secure lovers

Clarifying their own values, having clear boundaries, and respecting others' boundaries;

Listening to the inner voice and trusting their own feelings;

Sharing appropriately with others;

Showing appropriate vulnerability;

Being able to calmly reject others without hostility and also being able to calmly accept being rejected.

You may have also noticed that for secure lovers, the key to boundaries lies in a certain degree of elasticity. They can't be too loose, nor can they be rigid. They have their own principles and can respect and understand the differences of others. Healthy boundaries allow them to achieve a certain balance between themselves and the relationship.

VII. Believing they are worthy of love, so they choose the "right person"

In the movie "Across the Furious Sea", Li Miaomiao pulled out his own teeth and threw away Xiao Na's shoes to prove his love for her. Many people might run away in such a situation, but Xiao Na didn't. In her view, this was instead evidence of intense love.

In real life, most people won't be so extreme, but there are still some signs of "inability to establish a healthy relationship", such as being moody in the relationship, being good at avoiding, being unfaithful, having a violent tendency, etc. When encountering such people, secure lovers will lose interest. Because they know well that they long for love and are worthy of it, and they believe there are many potential lovers around who will accept their intimacy and meet their needs.

In the book "Rebuilding Relationships", the author interviewed many people with different attachment styles. A respondent with secure attachment (Tanya, 28 - year - old woman) shared her choice of partner:

"When dating men, I'm only interested in those who don't play games. This is my basic principle. After our dates, those men call me the next day, or at the latest, contact me the next evening. In return, I'll also clearly express my intentions from the beginning. In my life, I've only had two men contact me a few days later, and I immediately excluded them from my consideration."

You may also have noticed that Tanya didn't waste any time on men who didn't respond adequately to her need for intimacy. An important part of her dating principle is that she believes those who don't respect her enough and can't give her enough responses in the relationship are not worth her efforts.

If Tanya were anxiously attached, she would easily blame herself for the man's non - contact, thinking that her dating performance was poor. She might examine her own behavior, constantly doubt herself, and even give opportunities to the wrong people again and again.

In conclusion

Well, by now, I wonder if you're full of expectations for secure lovers or a bit disappointed in yourself.

In fact, attachment styles aren't something we can choose. They are largely based on past relationship patterns, and negative relationship experiences often lead to insecure attachments. At this time, building a healthy and secure relationship may not be an easy thing. People often need a large amount of (good) experience to gradually correct their understanding of the whole world (Gillath et al, 2008).

However, change is still possible.

Research has found that when people find new attachment figures, such as close friends, partners, therapists, or mentors, and establish healthy relationships with them, they may develop a secure attachment style (Saunders et al., 2011). Many current couple therapy methods, such as Emotion - Focused Therapy (EFT) (Johnson, 2019), also help couples experience moments of secure attachment with each other, thus building a healthier relationship.

May you have the opportunity to be treated well and be able to love well.