Psychology Today

In today's #Words from the Clients column, you can see the transformation process of this friend from "despair and hysteria" to "confidence and sunny positivity".

"What's this feeling like? Can you tell me more?"

"Is this feeling comfortable for you?"

"You can stay in your emotions."

"It's okay. I'll wait for you."

These are the few sentences that the counselor often said to me during the psychological counseling.

These seemingly ordinary words made me feel the counselor's attention to me, and just filled the mental box in me that lacked love and attention.

1. They will listen to you unconditionally.

Probably since high school, I began to realize that I seemed to be a person troubled by psychological issues.

This thought stemmed from the feeling that I couldn't get along well with my family in the original family. But at that time, my awareness of participating in psychological counseling was weak, and the way I used to heal myself was to avoid all intimate relationships.

After that, my life kept cycling in the pattern of despair - forcing myself to re - ignite hope - falling into despair again. It wasn't until last year that I realized I could no longer hold on. My heart could no longer provide me with a bit of strength, so I chose psychological counseling.

The first counseling was an in - person one an hour's journey away from home.

After the counselor listened to my request, they rejected my counseling request, stating that such a long journey would hinder my counseling.

So I started looking for online counseling. Through the psychological assessment on Simple Psychology, I found my counselor.

At first, I went for counseling with high expectations, just like the state when my parents and family had expectations for me and demanded that I must do well.

I expected that after a few counseling sessions, the counselor could give the optimal solution to solve my problems.

But that wasn't the case. In the first few counseling sessions, I just kept pouring out my heart.

When I hysterically asked the counselor for solutions, the counselor didn't get angry or reject me. Instead, they gently asked about my requests and current feelings, listened to me, and calmly accepted my anger.

At that moment, I suddenly realized that the counselor wasn't there to solve my real - life problems. Instead, they clearly saw my psychological troubles, discovered the difficulties I had always ignored, and actually paid attention to and listened to me, making me truly feel being cared about.

2. Let the feelings return to yourself.

In the following counseling sessions, I still kept talking, and the counselor would listen to me attentively.

But gradually, the counselor started asking about my feelings. They asked about my current feelings through every tiny expression and word of mine. They would also quietly wait for me when I felt uncomfortable or my emotions got out of control.

The counselor didn't forcefully comfort me when my emotions got out of control, didn't rush to solve problems when I was confused, and didn't rush to make me change for the sake of the counseling effect.

What the counselor did was just respect my feelings, allow me to lose control, and allow me to stay in my own emotions and feelings. This mode made me feel that my emotions and feelings were being accepted.

Gradually, I also began to accept my own emotions, feel my own feelings, tolerate my own imperfections at that moment, and no longer focused on solving problems but shifted to feeling myself.

3. Rediscover the feeling of self.

Slowly, my counseling sessions were no longer all about complaints and pouring out.

I began to explore the origin and causes of some problems with the counselor, exploring my relationships with my mother and my partner.

During the exploration, I found that when getting along with my mother, I lacked a sense of self and emotions. I took my mother's feelings as my own. Whether my mother was angry, disappointed, painful, or embarrassed, I would be involved and lose myself.

But the attention the counselor gave me made me start to have a sense of self and also begin to understand others' feelings.

I began to be able to separate emotionally from my mother and started to understand that I was an independent emotional entity. When my feelings conflicted with hers, I could take care of my own feelings first.

Similarly, my mother was also an independent emotional entity.

When she had negative emotions, I didn't have to be anxious about solving her problems immediately. I could respect her feelings and let her emotions be with her for a while. When getting along, we should both find our independent selves.

4. Love and security come from oneself.

During the counseling, I also gradually found that I had copied the way I got along with my mother into my relationship with my partner.

When getting along with him, I also deprived him of his feelings and wrongly thought that all his emotions were caused by not loving me enough or not being tolerant enough of me.

I thought that if he loved me, he should prioritize my feelings in everything. Otherwise, I would lose my sense of security.

Through exploring my relationship with my mother, I finally understood that my partner's emotions weren't because he didn't love me. He was a complete person with the right to express his own emotions and feelings.

And the sense of security I wanted actually couldn't be given by others. It was something I had to give myself by paying attention to myself, loving myself, injecting firm strength into my own heart, and growing into an independent and complete emotional individual.

In a blink of an eye, I've completed 52 counseling sessions. In this past year, I've experienced confusion, pain, and setbacks. But every time I see my progress in intimate relationships, I feel that it's all worth it.

As my internal self - awareness has increased, my confidence in exploring the outside world has also been strengthened. Through exploration, I've also found my ideal job.

The sense of security and fullness in my heart have also strengthened my determination to have a child.

For me, psychological counseling is not only a way to improve mental health but also a way to explore myself, seek myself, and make myself more self - consistent and happier.