Psychology Today

If there's one psychological concept that has gained immense popularity in recent years, it would undoubtedly be "self-love."

You've likely encountered this term in various contexts: advertisements claiming "loving yourself means buying this luxury face cream," relationship bloggers asserting "a woman's top priority is self-love," or fitness coaches declaring "true self-love requires sculpting the perfect body."

Yet many remain confused: If I want to stay up scrolling through my phone but know it'll affect tomorrow's work performance, which choice constitutes self-love? What if I genuinely dislike certain aspects of myself - should I simply ignore them?

This article explores what it truly means to "love yourself."

Self-love isn't about "liking" everything about yourself, but about "accepting" your whole being

American bestselling author and psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb insightfully noted: "In psychotherapy, we focus on self-compassion rather than self-affirmation."

This reveals a crucial aspect of self-love - it's not about forcing yourself to like every trait, but about cultivating acceptance of your complete self.

None of us are perfect. We all have flaws you might struggle to like - perhaps your thighs aren't as slim as you'd wish, your quick temper, social shyness, or patterns of relationship struggles. But you can choose to accept these aspects. True self-love means acknowledging your imperfections while maintaining fundamental self-respect, understanding that these characteristics don't define your entire worth.

Acceptance means approaching oneself with kindness, offering understanding and compassion when one fails or makes mistakes. Some researchers interpret this kindness as viewing one’s suffering through a "mindful" lens—a non-judgmental mental state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings without attempting to suppress or deny them (Brown & Ryan, 2003).

Acceptance is also "unconditional," independent of self-imposed or external evaluations. This means you don’t love yourself solely because of specific traits (beauty, intelligence, talent, etc.), nor do you need to be "better than others" to feel good about yourself. Instead, you cherish your existence and your life itself.

This is not easy, especially when facing inevitable losses, loneliness, confusion, or emotional wounds in life. Here lies the test: Can you still love yourself "unconditionally"?

Yet, loving oneself is not indulgence, as it involves self-responsibility.

Statements like "I’m stressed, so I’ll lie in bed all day watching TV and eating ice cream" or "I deserve to treat myself, so I’ll max out my credit card to buy what I want now" might seem self-caring, but they often lead to regret. True self-love is not about instant gratification but includes accountability. Erich Fromm, in Selfishness and Self-Love, noted that "love is not merely a feeling but an active effort aimed at the happiness, growth, and freedom of its object."

Sometimes, what brings immediate pleasure may harm us, while what benefits long-term well-being (e.g., quitting smoking, exercising, learning a new skill) may require temporary discomfort (Neff, 2008). Thus, self-love has two dimensions: gentleness (unconditional acceptance and compassion) and strength (protection, nourishment, and self-motivation). Like a mother bear fiercely guarding her cubs, feeding them, or leading them to better resources.

At times, we must stand up for ourselves—setting boundaries, saying "no," or fighting injustice. Other times, we need to push ourselves toward growth. Changing harmful habits or situations is not self-rejection but an act of care.

These two aspects of self-love are intertwined, ensuring self-compassion doesn’t slip into indulgence and self-discipline doesn’t become self-punishment.

Self-love ≠ narcissism. In fact, excessive self-focus often signals a lack of true self-love.

Narcissism, characterized by self-centeredness and prioritizing one’s needs at others’ expense, is easily mistaken for self-love. Narcissists may appear confident and dominant, but their behavior stems from insecurity, not genuine self-acceptance.

Key Differences Highlighted:

1. Self-Love balances kindness and accountability; Narcissism lacks empathy and thrives on superiority.
2. Self-Love fosters growth; Narcissism seeks validation through control.
3. Self-Love is rooted in wholeness; Narcissism masks inner fragility.

This structured translation preserves the original’s depth while adapting academic references and metaphors for clarity in English.

Translation:

Individuals who dislike and cannot accept themselves are trapped in constant self-anxiety. Lacking inner security—which only exists in those who genuinely love themselves—they obsessively over-focus on their needs, greedily seeking to acquire everything for themselves. They rely on external praise and validation to confirm their worthiness of love. This fragile façade of high self-esteem crumbles easily: success brings temporary validation, while failure plunges them into self-loathing.

Thus, excessive narcissism compensates for a fundamental lack of self-love. As Freud noted, "The narcissist withdraws the love meant for others and redirects it toward themselves."

In contrast, those who truly love themselves rarely need to emphasize their uniqueness or prove their superiority. Their self-love is unconditional, already rooted within.

Loving oneself demands honesty.
Many struggle with self-deception in life:

• Staying in toxic relationships out of fear of loneliness, rationalizing abuse as "love";
• Pursuing socially respectable but soul-crushing careers to avoid disappointing parents, while delaying personal passions;
• Evading necessary confrontations or harming loved ones for self-interest.

Such behaviors erode self-respect and breed self-contempt. As Irvin Yalom observed: "One can only truly love themselves when they admire their own way of being." Our actions shape self-perception—when we act against values like courage, kindness, or integrity, authentic self-love becomes impossible.

Without self-love, loving others—or receiving love—is equally challenging.
Fromm argued in "Selfishness and Self-Love" that love for others and self-love are not opposites. Those capable of loving others invariably demonstrate self-affection. Studies (Kristin D et al., 2012) reveal that self-loving individuals foster higher-quality relationships. Partners describe them as warmer, more compassionate, and respectful of autonomy. By embracing their own imperfections, they extend the same acceptance to others. During conflicts, they balance personal and relational needs through compromise.

Yet, others' love cannot substitute for absent self-love. A friend, Xiao A, once believed romantic relationships would solve her inability to self-soothe: "If I find someone to love me, everything will be okay." After repeated failures, she realized: No one else could shoulder the responsibility of loving her—she could never escape her relationship with herself.

Self-love begins with early nurturing.
Fromm viewed the capacity to love as a character trait rooted in childhood experiences of parental love. Those who received healthy parental affection internalize it, replicating that care toward themselves. Conversely, those who endured neglect (e.g., in multi-child households), suppression of authenticity (e.g., forced career paths), or abuse (physical/emotional) often develop fragmented self-love—cherishing their "strong" traits while despising their "broken" parts.

If self-love feels unattainable, it’s not your fault.
But hope exists: The self-relationship is malleable. Through therapy (to experience healing relational dynamics), mindfulness, nature immersion, and deliberate practice of loving behaviors, one can rebuild self-connection. Self-love operates like a snowballing capacity—once kindled, it grows exponentially.

Key Structural Choices:

1. Thematic Flow: Organized into logical sections (anxiety → narcissism vs. true self-love → honesty → relational impacts → roots and solutions) for clarity.
2. Quotation Integration: Highlighted expert insights (Freud, Yalom, Fromm) in italics to emphasize authority.
3. Case Study: Used Xiao A’s story to humanize abstract concepts.
4. Bullet Points: Broke down complex psychological mechanisms (e.g., self-deception patterns) into digestible lists.
5. Academic Tone Balanced with Accessibility: Maintained scholarly rigor (e.g., citing studies) while avoiding excessive jargon.
6. Metaphors: Phrases like "snowballing capacity" visually reinforce the growth process of self-love.