Psychology Today

You complain to a friend, "I've been interviewing for new jobs these past few days, and I'm so stressed and anxious." Your friend replies, "Don't be anxious! You can definitely do it, no need to be stressed!"

When you were a child, you confided in your parents, "I feel like my Chinese teacher doesn't like me. I didn't do anything, but she criticized me, and I feel so wronged." Your parents replied, "You're definitely overthinking it. Adjust your mindset and be more positive, okay?"

Although you know the other person means well and wants to comfort you, you don't actually feel any better after hearing their words.

In reality, this excessive emphasis on "positivity" and the rejection of negative emotions by "positive energy fanatics" can lead to some problems. In these situations, it turns into "toxic positivity."

What is "toxic positivity"?

Toxic positivity refers to the excessive, ineffective, and indiscriminate use of happy or positive states.

While being positive and optimistic are important qualities that we should all learn in life, we also need to recognize that "happiness" cannot last forever. This is especially evident during childhood and adolescence, when young people are just beginning to understand complex emotional states. An important lesson is to learn to embrace both the highs and lows of emotions, as these ups and downs are what make us real, flesh-and-blood people.

Negative emotional states, such as sadness or anger, are also a part of life. By learning to identify, process, and manage various emotions in a healthy way, we also have the opportunity to develop ourselves.

That being said, the overuse of "positivity" can unintentionally foster discrimination against negative emotions, causing us to miss valuable opportunities for growth.

Additionally, in interpersonal interactions, if we only respond to others' complaints with "positive" responses, the other person may likely regard this as a perfunctory gesture.

So, in interpersonal interactions, what counts as "toxic positivity"? Here are a few criteria to consider:

Excessive use of positive language

When someone is expressing their troubles, if your first reaction is always positive language like "Just smile more!" or "Keep up the effort!", the other person may feel that their feelings are not acknowledged, and the problem they are facing is diminished in your words.

Denial of negative emotions

When facing "toxic positivity," negative emotions, including sadness, anger, hatred, loneliness, anxiety, shame, etc., are pushed aside and overthrown, replaced with false happiness and positivity. But in reality, it does not match the true situation and experience. And the disavowal of natural feelings creates a void in self-awareness and self-worth, which has a negative impact on a person's mental health.

"Emotional shaming" of others

When someone is expressing deep emotional reactions, telling them "You shouldn't feel so negative" or pushing them to become positive may also constitute a form of "emotional shaming."

Why do we need to accept negative emotions?

Avoiding negative emotions may bring short-term relief, but it can have long-term negative effects.

Not accepting a certain negative emotion may, to some extent, lead to a denial of reality.

Denying negative emotions and denying reality are not good foundations for a healthy life. This behavior is somewhat like looking at the torrential rain outside the window and saying, "It can't be raining" – obviously, it could rain, and it is raining. Although you don't like rainy days, denying the fact that it is raining outside will not solve the problems caused by the rainy day.

Denying an emotion will make you more vigilant about that emotion.

When you tell yourself that a certain emotion is unbearable or dangerous, and therefore needs to be carefully avoided, you may become extremely vigilant about the emotion that needs to be avoided. You will be highly alert to the possibility of a certain emotion arising, and this high alert itself will bring a new round of negative experiences.

The beginning of accepting an emotion is actually the beginning of that emotion losing its destructiveness.

This may sound strange, but in reality, going against your true feelings and pushing away a strong emotion may not only be futile but also dangerous. But if you accept this emotion and coexist with it for a period of time, it will slowly weaken, and your heart will eventually find peace.

How to overcome "toxic positivity"?

Sometimes, we also have to accept that small or large failures are indeed a part of life, and they are also a key raw material for self-growth.

One of the more ironic byproducts of toxic positivity is perfectionism, where perfectionists pursue a state in life without failure, or even difficulties.

However, real life often makes it difficult to avoid failure, or even repeated failures, from which we can grow into a more capable individual.

In addition, we can also practice acknowledging and accepting emotions. Learning to respect the emotions of others and ourselves is a very important skill. Trying to listen to others' stories and considering thinking from their perspective, and giving responses from a respectful perspective is a practice that can be implemented in daily life.

Finally, you can also choose psychological counseling. Seeking help from a professional psychological counselor can allow us to understand our emotional responses at a deeper level in a safe counseling environment. At the same time, it can also help you review your past, so that you can understand how your coping mechanisms have developed and why they are unhealthy.