Living

In life, there are always people who make you can't help but wonder, "Can't you just talk properly?"

There's an exam coming up soon, and you still have a lot of assignments to hand in. You want to "make up for lost time" on your hard - won day off. But your friend acts as if they didn't hear you and tries hard to tempt you out, then says in surprise, "Oh my god! You're so into studying!"

When you take on an urgent task, your colleague provides incomplete materials. With the deadline approaching, you find that there's a part of the work you knew nothing about. When you frantically ask your colleague about it, they just casually say, "I thought you knew!"

When you have an argument with your boyfriend/girlfriend and fall into a cold war. You take the initiative and ask, "Are you angry? If you're unhappy about something, just say it, and we can solve it together." But the other person doesn't appreciate it and says in a sarcastic tone, "What am I angry about? What's there for me to be angry about? I'm fine!"

In these situations, you'll feel angry and have a feeling of something stuck in your throat.

You think the other person doesn't know how to communicate with others. But in fact, you might be the victim of passive aggression.

What is passive aggression?

Passive aggressors may interact with others normally on the surface, but in fact, they have negative feelings towards the other party and choose to express them indirectly during the interaction.

Passive - aggressive behaviors usually stem from anger or hostility. These behaviors can range from mild to severe, from pretending not to answer the phone to actions that can affect the other person's mental health or career achievements, all of which fall into the category of passive aggression.

Passive aggressors usually have four characteristics: they often make others feel unreasonable during the process of getting along; it always feels uncomfortable to be with them; they rarely express their hostility directly, and at the same time, they always repeat such passive - aggressive behaviors.

Passive aggression can be divided into four categories:

1. Disguised verbal hostility Saying bad things about someone behind their back, sarcasm, making mean jokes (usually ending with "Oh, I'm just joking. Why are you so serious?"), repeated provocations, and habitual criticism of others... These kinds of words that don't seem to be a big deal but make people uncomfortable all belong to a form of passive aggression.
2. Disguised relational hostility Cold - shouldering in a relationship, ignoring, excluding, stabbing someone in the back, deliberately testing others' boundaries, and pretending to accidentally damage others' important items... This kind of hostility can almost penetrate into any social scenario in daily life.
3. Disguised task - related hostility Passive aggressors may deliberately delay the work progress by procrastinating, forgetting, and shifting the blame for tasks. In addition, they may also withhold resources and information, make excuses, blame others, avoid tasks, and be inefficient at work.
4. Expressing hostility towards others through self - punishment They may also express their hostility towards others by giving up, deliberately failing, exaggerating or imagining an illness, casting themselves in the role of a victim, or self - harming.

It should be noted that not all self - harm and suicide behaviors or attempts fall into the category of passive aggression. In life, careful discrimination is needed.

Why do people use passive aggression?

As mentioned above, passive - aggressive behaviors are usually manifestations of some wrong self - concepts or unreasonable ideas.

1. Childhood shadows A large part of a person's behavior patterns are learned from their caregivers when they are young, and passive aggression is no exception. For example, if parents cut off a child's way of directly expressing anger from an early age, the child may find more roundabout and negative ways to vent their anger. If parents are themselves passive aggressors, such as often using cold - shouldering on their children or denying their own anger, it's natural for the child to learn such an unhealthy way of expression. At the same time, if parents can't meet a child's needs from an early age or punish the child for expressing their needs, the child is very likely to learn more passive ways. In these cases, passive aggression may even be a survival skill that a child learns from an early age. It may be the only safe and effective way for the child to express themselves.
2. Indirect satisfaction of the desire for power Some passive aggressors may clearly know that this way of expression is unhealthy, but they still do it. This is because passive aggression can satisfy a person's desire for power. When anger and hostility are expressed in a more secretive way, the other person is very likely unable to directly point out the intention behind their behavior. Then they can happily watch the fire they've started spread. Open communication or directly solving problems is obviously more difficult and can't achieve such an effect. The other person can't so easily manipulate others. All these reasons make it hard for passive aggressors to find the motivation to correct themselves.
3. Lack of self - awareness and skills Some other passive aggressors may not realize that they are attacking others and also lack the ability to have an open and meaningful conversation with others. Or, when they are in a conflict, they may feel very helpless and try to gain the initiative through passive aggression. Or, they don't have enough emotional management ability, so speaking to others in a sarcastic way becomes an outlet for emotional venting.

How to get rid of passive aggression in yourself?

1. Know yourself After reading this, perhaps you can think about whether you've ever had passive - aggressive behaviors in your life. If you want to get rid of this unhealthy behavior pattern, the first step is to recognize its existence.
2. Get rid of the need to please others If you're a passive aggressor, the initial reason for your behavior may be to avoid conflicts and direct self - expression. Therefore, you can try to stick to your true thoughts and needs.
3. Pay attention to your emotions Similarly, you can closely monitor situations that may trigger anger. The triggers for passive aggression may be loneliness, jealousy, sadness, or shame. When you're troubled by these negative emotions, you can stop imagining revenge scenarios in your head and instead think about more positive ways to deal with the situation.
4. Face your fears Sometimes, an open discussion about a problem is also meaningful, although it may seem scary at times. When you're in a conflict, you can try to sort out your thoughts and understand the other person's demands to better solve the problem, rather than just focusing on winning or losing the conflict.

How to get along with passive aggressors?

1. Don't overreact First of all, after reading this article, you may start to think that everyone is a "passive aggressor", which is actually not a good way of thinking. When you feel that you're being passively attacked, you can try not to assume that the reaction is negative or targeted at you. You can try to look at the response from more perspectives. For example, if a colleague doesn't reply to your email, you may instinctively think, "They're doing it on purpose!" But at the same time, you can also remind yourself that the colleague may just need some time to make a decision. Consciously reducing the thought of "it's targeted at me" can help you view things more objectively and comprehensively.
2. Don't get caught in the whirlpool When being passively attacked, it's normal to have emotions. You may also have an urge to fight back immediately, which may lead to mutual attacks in words or actions and make the situation develop in an unnecessary direction. In this process, you may also say things you don't really want to say or do things you'll regret. Therefore, don't get caught in the whirlpool created by the other person and don't let them turn you into someone you don't want to be.
3. Try to use humor Humor can be a very powerful communication tool. If you can use it appropriately, it can prevent the conversation from turning negative and help you calmly take the initiative.
4. Pull the conversation or relationship back on track as appropriate When the situation has developed to a relatively serious stage, you need to put an end to the conversation or interaction in time, because tolerating such passive - aggressive behaviors may lead to their escalation. At the same time, make yourself, rather than the passive aggressor, set the tone for the relationship. You can actively take the initiative in various ways, such as having a third person join you in the conversation with the other party or having more written conversations between you.